Santa Baby

The entry for our Santa Challenge has now closed, and we have a shortlist. This was the largest entry (#FDsanta) of any challenge so far (note: we have dumped the word “Twallenge” – a neologism that many of you disliked). The first line of Santa's autobiography was also the most difficult to judge because of the high standard. And in many ways it proved the most interesting. Literary contests of any kind can give a tiny snapshot of the society whence the entries come – in which case I can deduce that you are a bunch of people concerned with – here we go: obsession, dancing naked, pedophilia, flatulence and stinks, irony, innocence, revolt against parenthood, myth, morbid thoughts, time travel, emotional pain, juvenile crime, wombs and chimneys, sadism, fetishes with vertically challenged people, blood (and lots of it), job satisfaction (or lack thereof), drinking (mostly sherry), eating (mostly mince pies), canonization, hirsuteness (facial, mainly), obesity, imagination, love. In short, you’re my kind of people – it’s my pleasure to know you all. A few entries came from those nearest and dearest to the Santa Challenge, and sadly we had to eliminate these three:

If I am fake, why is my pain so real? – from Leah, on the Challenge team;

They say that if I don't ride the sun will never rise, and they're only half wrong – from Ben, on the Challenge team;

I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake. Let's just take this step by step, shall we? – from Diane, on every team.

With those entries out of contention the field is clear for the rest, so here, in no particular order, comes the Top Ten – now get working on your lobbies by way of voting with comments. And thank you all for a great set of entries. Happy Christmas and New Year!!

richardhine
I've never thought of myself as a giving person, though I'm told many people see me that way.

 HeidiDavid
Celeste lies in her icy tomb,my child,my pearl. This yearly sleigh ride began for her. If only I still believed it meant something.

HeidiDavid
The world revolves upon my snowy axis. Greedy fools swallowing up tales of reindeer and elves. If only they knew the real story.

Rash3l
The first toy I carved was kept under a floorboard, hidden from my father - a collier with no patience for the fancies of children.
 
PNicholson77
The first lie your parents ever told you, was probably about me.

thewritertype
My analyst says my chimney fixation is all about regression to the womb. I say it's about the mince pies and sherry. 

thewritertype
I got the idea for Santa when I was three. Our butcher was slaughtering a reindeer. I saw this fat old man, covered in blood...

 ACC73
In the beginning of my life's journey, I found myself in a snowy wood, the sleigh-path lost.

philochs76
The truth will unnerve you, for I was never the elf-enslaving, sleigh-driving chimney climber the nog & rum soaked masses wanted.

rachelforgets
I should probably start with the scandal -get it out of the way quickly- the one time I forgot Christmas.

 

Comments

[Loretta Hussey]

My choice is HeidiDavid first attempt beginning
'Celeste lies in her icy tomb.........' would be interested to hear what follows!

[Ilana]

Heidi David.

Who is Celeste? Why did she die? How was she related to Santa????

So many questions, I need the answers.

[Diane]

Heidi David - what is the real story????

[J.A. Pak]

Have to agree with previous comments: Heidi David & Celeste! Poor Santa...

[Peter Wilkin]

It's got to be Celeste for me ... absolute belter from the talented Heidi David.

[Amanda Filipacchi]

My vote is for Richard Hine. I think he should write the whole book!

[Leslie Snyder]

Rash31 is my favorite. Makes me really feel for Santa and want to hear his story

[OnewordTF]

This is difficult. It’s been a brilliant challenge.

I liked PNicholson77’s “The first lie your parents ever told you was probably about me.” But then I read and re-read. Okay. I’m down to two.

The re-reading is important.

For me it’s between HeidiDavid and TheWriterType

Of course, the one I’d really like to win is “You’ve all been naughty so I’m taking the day off to write this book”. But that’s me and as a headline writer I’m light, breezy and a little facile.

So back to the decision.

HeidiDavid “Celeste” and TheWriterType “analyst”.

Over to you :)

[vivienne Nichols]

Fun few days of reading ALL the brilliant entries! Adored PNicholson's "first lie" from the first moment! HD's "Celeste" grips me..makes me want to rip my sackcloth in grief! I like Rash 31's "toy under the floorboard," too! Cheers!

[Bobofinch]

No competition in sheer fuckwittery. WRITERTYPE for literary glory.